If you’re anything like me and your honest answer to those questions is “yes,” here’s a thought experiment you can bring to mind next time you feel your blood begin to boil…

Let’s play a game…

Imagine you and I are alone in a room. I explain that there’s a man, called Stan, standing outside the room who you don’t know and will never meet. Then I hand you 100 bucks with the request that you share it with Stan. You can give him everything, nothing, or any amount in between…

Here’s the catch: Stan can accept or reject your offer. If he accepts it, you both keep your share. But, if Stan feels it’s unfair and rejects your offer, you both lose everything…And I get to keep it all!

So you’re the “Splitter,” and Stan is the “Decider.” How much are you going to offer Stan? How much do you think most people would offer Stan?

What Most People Do…

The researchers who created this game discovered that most people choose to split the money 50/50, but not everyone. Sometimes the Splitters choose to keep more of the cash for themselves; and this is where things get interesting. When presented with an unfair split, most Deciders reject the offer; opting for nothing rather than something. Peoples’ emotional outrage at an unfair split causes them to reject free money.

Think about this for a moment: If I simply offered you 20 bucks, no-strings-attached, you’d accept it, right? Why wouldn’t you? But, if I offered you 20 bucks in the context of this game, the research suggests that you’d probably choose to walk away empty-handed.

If it was a strictly logical decision, it wouldn’t matter how you were offered the money, money is money…and 20 bucks is better than squat. But the perspective you have on the offer triggers your emotions, and so—in a fit of righteous indignation—you’d most likely reject it.

In essence, you’ve taught someone you don’t know and will never meet a lesson in fairness at a cost of 20 bucks. Was it worth it? Only you can answer that question. The important thing to appreciate is that we play versions of this game throughout our lives. We perpetuate office conflict or get into ongoing disputes with loved ones; cutting off our nose to spite our face.

Action Step…

Are you currently involved in any situations where your emotions have gotten the better part of your common sense? What would a strictly logical, benefit-maximizing computer program do in your situation? Next time you feel the urge to vent, remind yourself of this experiment and ask yourself: Am I at risk of rejecting “free money?”

A while back I read about a highly respected (and super-successful) salesperson; let’s call her Julie. (I’m afraid I can’t member her actual name.) Julie works in home construction and outlined one of her strategies for achieving such stellar closing rates. She makes a special effort to demonstrate, in a very clear and unambiguous way, that she sees the house buying scenario from her prospect’s point of view.

Here’s one example: Prior to working in home construction Julie was self-employed. And during this period of her life, decided to buy a house. She recalled how nervous she felt dealing with mortgage companies. And, in particular, how she appeared to earn much less than she actually did because, as a self-employed person, she deducted everything. (I’m still trying to figure out how to incorporate my new suite of furniture into my speech.) Her concern, of course, was that a rickety earnings statement might send up a red flag with the mortgage company.

Now that Julie sells homes to self-employed people, she makes a point of proactively addressing this common fear. Imagine, from the point of view of her prospects, it’s as if she’s reading their mind. She regularly sees them visibly relax. It won’t surprise you to learn that she enjoys a special rapport with self-employed people and is especially successful with this demographic.

My question to you: What do you do to overtly demonstrate that you can see situations from the perspective of your prospects, clients and patients (and coworkers as well)?

I would suggest using this magic phrase: “I understand that in your situation, ________”

Your goal is to say that you understand your prospect’s perspective and then, in the next sentence, to prove it; just like Julie. And, when you can show your prospects, clients, patients, etc., that you see the world from where they’re standing, the sky’s the limit.

And remember, if you’re engaged in any form of external or internal customer service, an inability to see a “customer’s” perspective masquerades as stupidity. I had a service provider at a utility company explain to me recently: “Sir, I’m sorry. I can’t help you. We’re just the customer service department.” I rest my case!

As always, your opinions are welcomed…

I heard an interesting presentation last week given by a smart chap called Neal Peyser; Managing Director of FTI Healthcare (An organization that works with large and small healthcare providers to solve their most complex operational and strategic issues.) During his seminar he referred to research about TVs in waiting rooms. The research findings suggest that watching TV in a doctor’s waiting room increases your stress.

Zooming out and expanding our viewpoint on this issue raises an important question: Does watching TV raise our stress levels at other times? How about when we watch cable news? Let’s face it, TV news is about one thing. It’s specifically (and cynically) structured to hold our attention for the ad breaks. A truckload of contrived hysteria…And a word from our sponsor!

The Ultimate Irony

When pressed, we don’t even believe what they tell us! Time magazine conducted an online poll: “Now that Walter Cronkite has passed on, who is America’s most trusted newscaster?”

Respondents voted overwhelmingly for Jon Stewart from The Daily Show (44%). Brian Williams – a frequent guest on The Daily Show – scored second place (29%). Katie Couric trailed with 7%. We trust a pseudo-news show to give us a better grasp of the facts than the “real” news.

The Problem:

Just like a horror flick, we might know cable news is a hotbed of spewed speculation…but it raises our anxiety anyway. Fear as entertainment, totally valid; hence the popularity of roller-coasters. Perpetually tickling your “worry gland” with stress-provoking news stories, not so smart.

My Solution:

Don’t watch cable-news over breakfast. Watch stand-up comedy, or an episode of your favorite sit-com instead. Or listen to music, or chat with your spouse. Something that will set you up for a great day, not stress you out before you’ve even finished your cornflakes!

And, in the evening, be super-selective. Avoid self-righteous news anchors who yell or whine. I realize these people make a living grandstanding to their fan base. But, let’s face it, you wouldn’t give them the time of day if you were force-fed their chatter at the office.

As You Sit Poised With Your TV Remote…

Here are three sure-fire phrases that mean you should flip the channel immediately…
• “I don’t have the inside scoop, but I’m guessing…”
• “Turns out the financial analysts’ predictions were completely wrong…Let’s check out what they’re predicting today.”
• And finally, the biggest and surest sign you need to flip channels: “Welcome to Fox News…”

Just my opinion, feel free to disagree…

I’m immensely proud to say that Krys (my superstar wife) was emotional intelligence in motion this week. Her management of an infuriating situation provides an excellent example of this crucial element in action.

Monday
Our Internet service crashed…

Tuesday
After an utterly fruitless (and intensely frustrating) discussion with our service (sic) provider, Krys redirected her “bouncing off the walls” energy towards a concrete solution.

Earlier that day, she had seen a service technician elbow deep in the wire spaghetti guts of our local DSL connection box. And so, totally focused on fixing the problem, Krys grabbed our account information and jumped in her car.

She found the (friendly and helpful) service technician and (after making several tortuous phone calls) he was able to reconnect the line.

(Sidebar: How many companies – populated by wonderful people committed to providing excellent service - are undermined by their organization’s “system”.)

Relax – Retell – Redirect
Those of you who use the Triple-R-Strategy will know that the third step is redirect.

Every time one of your objectives is abruptly blocked, it triggers your Emotion Brain. And when your Emotion Brain screams, your blood stream floods with stress hormones…which stick around. And so you’re left twitching with energy and overwhelmed by the urge to act.

When this occurs it’s so easy to ”work off” the surge of excess (muscle-shaking, heart-pounding) energy by whining and bitching. However, a far more effective strategy is to focus your adrenaline rush on solving the problem that caused you to feel overly upset in the first place, get the idea?

And that’s exactly what Krys did. She reframed the situation as a problem to be solved (not just a stupid annoyance to get upset about)…And so, driven by this perspective, she tracked down the technician and got the DSL connection fixed.

Which, among other things, meant I could post this message…

Question: When one of your objectives is abruptly blocked, how do you handle the frustration?

I would love to hear your answers…

Lori’s Email…

Dr. Bedwell.  Greetings from rainy…oh now sunny….now rainy….now sunny…Seattle!

So you would be sooooo proud of me!  I ran into a gal I had met a couple times at my friend’s house.  Since I didn’t really know anyone I thought I’d start with her as I “worked the room”.  I greeted her and blah blah was TOTALLY shot down!  She was not at all interested in talking to me, not at all interested in attempting to be polite NOTHING!

So my first response was like… ”what did I do to her? Why doesn’t she like me?” then I was like “Dr. Bedwell says not to rush to conclusions in my search for closure” blah blah blah so instead of assuming the worst I started thinking “well, maybe she’s not keen on large group situations”  “maybe she’s having a bad day”  “maybe she’s this and that”. 

Turns out SHE REALLY DOESN’T LIKE ME!  Ha ha.  I think it’s really hilarious.  So since I’ve been telling everyone how much I learned in your session and now it’s backfired.  It’s really a great story.  Of course I make the most of it and you’re not fired, you’re still my favorite motivational speaker…”

Steve here again. This is my reply to Lori’s email…

First off: Kinda similar to the joke in my speech (during the memory demo):

“Last week a guy in the audience said he wouldn’t want to play cards with me. I thought he was impressed by my memory…turns out he just didn’t like me!”

Nice to hear you’re only doing my best material

On a serious note: Congratulations on passing your first “real-life” test by not assuming the worst…great job! You stopped your Emotion Brain telling you stories that upset you…

Here’s the kicker: As charming as you are, some people really won’t like you. (Can you believe…some people don’t even like me!)

So The Important Question Is…

What stories am I telling myself about that unpleasant truth? What stories do I tell myself when I meet someone (possibly a very nice person) who simply doesn’t like me…That’s where rubber really hits road.

Virtually all the stories we tell ourselves fall neatly into three categories…And one category is filled with “Desire into Demand” stories. It’s the difference between “I want this person to like me” and I demand this person like me”.

In the context of your question: It’s perfectly rational for someone to want other people to like them. Then if someone doesn’t they’ll be appropriately disappointed. If however, they tell themselves a story that elevates that desire (want) into a demand…that’s their cue for becoming overly upset – their head fills with mental static, and they fall victim to self-defeating behaviors.

And that’s why it’s important we understand these stories and the power they have to tip us all into overly emotional states. Get the idea?

(I’m not, of course, suggesting that your encounter affected you in that way…I’m merely replying to your comment.)

I’ve written a series of articles about these stories and how to manage them on my website. Here’s the link: Emotional Intelligence

Agree? Disagree? I would love to hear your opinion…

PS: And thank you Lori for your insightful observation

Yin And Yang

As I began researching these two fundamental misperceptions—the yin and yang of perceptual errors—I noticed that, in general, the stuff you miss cripples your thinking. Conversely, the stuff you make up fuels toxic emotions…

Currently, you miss more (far, far more) than you realize. You’re asleep at the wheel, victimized by unconscious delusions which narrow your outlook to the size of a shirt button.

And, as for the stuff you make up, think back to the last time you got really mad. What was it that caused you to get angry? News flash: Regardless of what person or situation you blame for tasering your raw nerves, you actually made yourself angry.

It’s vital you’re aware of your innate tendencies to miss stuff and make stuff up. And, also, the implications of having an incomplete and innacurate point of view.

Which is why I wrote this article: The Two Questions…

Let me know what you think,

Steve

According to Syracuse professor Kristin Byron one situation in which we are likely to “assume the worst” is in our interpretation of emails. In her paper ‘Carrying Too Heavy A Load’ (due to appear in the ‘Academy of Management Review’) she points out that “people perceive emails as more negative than they are intended to be”. This leads to misinterpretation, confusion and conflict.

What’s the solution?

The Solution
Before hitting the send button, remind yourself that people tend to perceive your emails as more negative than you intend them to be. Other tips to avoid misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict include:

1. Adding a greeting and closing: “thanks for your help,” etc, into your email templates. No extra ongoing effort for you but, by appearing less abrupt, your message is more likely to be positively received.
2. DON’T SEND OUT MESSAGES WHERE EVERY WORD IS CAPITALIZED. This is interpreted as shouting in email land.
3. Consider using emoticons
4. If your message might be prone to misinterpretation consider calling or even meeting face-to-face.

Once you’re aware of the problem, it’s a simple fix. Even if people know that you’re a warm and friendly person, it’s never going to hurt to put a little more love into your messages.

Until next time,

Steve

He’ll be remembered for his Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, (previously called Rational Emotive Therapy, updated in the early nineties).

Although I never had the privilege of meeting Ellis, his ideas have greatly influenced both my professional and personal life. His insistence on replacing absolute words like “must” (as in “I must get this job.”) with softer, more accurate words and phrases such as “would like” (as in “I would like to get this job”) have often given me a sense of proportion and balance on those occasions when I’ve felt frustrated.

It’s a reflection of his quirky character that he referred to the habit of using absolute words like “must” as “must-erbation”.

The world needs more of Ellis’ kind of thoughtful irreverence.

During a recent ‘product placement’ segment, a TV news anchor asked: “There’s rumors that, when the iPhone is released, there won’t be enough to go around. What can we possibly do?” In a rare moment of TV news sanity a reporter replied: “Well, one option is simply to wait a week or two.” Excellent point! In the time it takes to get the thing out of the box (almost) the iPhone will be freely available in the shops!

Do you recall the similar feeding frenzy—a few months ago—when PlayStation 3 was about to be released? News footage of people lining up outside the stores to buy one, shoving and brawling. One guy even got stabbed! The ultimate irony is that sales of the PlayStation 3 have been extremely disappointing. It’s estimated that, during 2007, Sony will lose almost $500 million on its game division. What’s more—according to GameDaily.biz—not a single Play Station 3 game made the top ten computer game list for May…Ouch!

I realize most of us look at people who hang around for days on end—jockeying for position—just to get some electronic doodad a week earlier than everybody else and think, idiots! Clearly, there’s absolutely no logical reason to join the end of the line. Because, as the TV reporter pointed out, wait a week and the item will be available for purchase everywhere.

Here’s the key question: What situations trigger you to act in this impulsive, illogical way? Sure you don’t dash out every time some newfangled piece of gadgetry hits the stores, but are you equally restrained when you face the temptation to check your emails every 15 minutes. For most of us, it’s totally illogical to check our messages that often. What’s more, it also distracts us from whatever we’re doing and reduces our productivity. Still, it can be tough to resist, can’t it?

Here’s another example: If someone doesn’t return your phone call immediately, do you find it difficult to ignore the urge to call them again; way too soon? In the business world this impulsive behavior makes you look like an amateur. And, in your personal life, it can strain a relationship.

When people go nuts over hyped up electronic goods, check their eMails too often or pester others with repeat phone calls, they’re driven by a need for closure. And, while the world doesn’t always operate according to your timetable, you can learn how to resist your drive for closure. Then, you’ll be able to manage your time more effectively, avoid looking inexperienced and reduce the stress in your life.

Key point: You must understand, and get comfortable with, your drive for closure. And, to get comfortable with your drive for closure, you simply need practice.

Step 1: Identify an area in your life where you find it difficult to resist the urge to react impulsively. For example, perhaps you find it virtually impossible to ignore a ringing telephone, even when you’re in the middle of completing an important business task.

Step 2: With fresh understanding and awareness, deliberately step back from the temptation to act impulsively. Say to yourself: “I don’t need to rush into this response, it’s just my drive for closure talking.”

Bottom line: Whenever you feel an overwhelming urge to react in haste, step back and make that reaction a pause.

Wishing you continued success,

Steve

Here’s a reality check for the perfectionists. No matter how much time you spend fiddling around, your results still won’t be perfect! When it’s possible to tick all the correct answers, such as in a multiple choice test, perfection is attainable. In a competition, it’s possible to get a "perfect ten". However, outside of school and competitive events, perfection doesn”t really exist. As the psychiatrist Dr. Arthur Freeman, points out; "Quite often, what we call perfection is simply a matter of opinion."

When we aim for perfection, we often completely lose sight of the bigger picture: the larger context into which our work fits. If you ever find yourself paralyzed by perfectionism then it’s time to get a fresh perspective and see the bigger picture. Here are some simple strategies:

• Before beginning a project and getting enmeshed in a perfectionistic anxiety spiral, it’s important to decide just how "perfect" this particular task needs to be. Rank it clearly, from just acceptable to perfection, score 1-5.
• Be acutely sensitive to the law of diminishing returns, it can provoke a change of outlook. Remind yourself of those times when you felt that you”d just done okay and others thought your work was great.
• No matter the time crunch, it’s imperative that you take a break. The big picture grows dim when you stare at a project for too long and it becomes progressively more difficult to keep a balanced outlook on your work. Exhaustion breeds an unhelpful intensity and minuscule "errors" metamorphose into frustrating "disasters" when examined through the crazy lenses of a tired mind.

Something to think about,

Steve