Emotional Intelligence: Managing Your Emotions In “Real-Life”

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I got an email from a student called Lori which raised an important issue about the Perspective Power approach to managing your emotions. With Lori’s permission, here it is…

Lori’s Email…

Dr. Bedwell.  Greetings from rainy…oh now sunny….now rainy….now sunny…Seattle!

So you would be sooooo proud of me!  I ran into a gal I had met a couple times at my friend’s house.  Since I didn’t really know anyone I thought I’d start with her as I “worked the room”.  I greeted her and blah blah was TOTALLY shot down!  She was not at all interested in talking to me, not at all interested in attempting to be polite NOTHING!

So my first response was like… ”what did I do to her? Why doesn’t she like me?” then I was like “Dr. Bedwell says not to rush to conclusions in my search for closure” blah blah blah so instead of assuming the worst I started thinking “well, maybe she’s not keen on large group situations”  “maybe she’s having a bad day”  “maybe she’s this and that”. 

Turns out SHE REALLY DOESN’T LIKE ME!  Ha ha.  I think it’s really hilarious.  So since I’ve been telling everyone how much I learned in your session and now it’s backfired.  It’s really a great story.  Of course I make the most of it and you’re not fired, you’re still my favorite motivational speaker…”

Steve here again. This is my reply to Lori’s email…

First off: Kinda similar to the joke in my speech (during the memory demo):

“Last week a guy in the audience said he wouldn’t want to play cards with me. I thought he was impressed by my memory…turns out he just didn’t like me!”

Nice to hear you’re only doing my best material

On a serious note: Congratulations on passing your first “real-life” test by not assuming the worst…great job! You stopped your Emotion Brain telling you stories that upset you…

Here’s the kicker: As charming as you are, some people really won’t like you. (Can you believe…some people don’t even like me!)

So The Important Question Is…

What stories am I telling myself about that unpleasant truth? What stories do I tell myself when I meet someone (possibly a very nice person) who simply doesn’t like me…That’s where rubber really hits road.

Virtually all the stories we tell ourselves fall neatly into three categories…And one category is filled with “Desire into Demand” stories. It’s the difference between “I want this person to like me” and I demand this person like me”.

In the context of your question: It’s perfectly rational for someone to want other people to like them. Then if someone doesn’t they’ll be appropriately disappointed. If however, they tell themselves a story that elevates that desire (want) into a demand…that’s their cue for becoming overly upset – their head fills with mental static, and they fall victim to self-defeating behaviors.

And that’s why it’s important we understand these stories and the power they have to tip us all into overly emotional states. Get the idea?

(I’m not, of course, suggesting that your encounter affected you in that way…I’m merely replying to your comment.)

I’ve written a series of articles about these stories and how to manage them on my website. Here’s the link: Emotional Intelligence

Agree? Disagree? I would love to hear your opinion…

PS: And thank you Lori for your insightful observation